damn filipinos

do i sound hateful? probably.

my 298/final research project for this MSW thing is an exploratory study of the cultural dynamics in Filipino American families where the parent(s) are Philippine-born and the children are American-born (it could've easily been the 1.5 generation like me who moved here at a real young age and basically grew up American wiht very minimal direct influence from the culture in the Philippines.) Anyway, I am 6 weeks from my final day of the semester and I have not found ONE solid lead (or if I have the Filipino American Professionals I was working with did not contact the family on my behalf - considering trust and safety issues - who would feel comfortable with some guy calling up saying "I don't know you, but can I interview your family and STUDY you?").

In August I helped organize a Parent Brunch - even focusing on very specific youth (incoming freshmen) and patterned the brunch on EDUCATION (the only real value placed by Filipino parenting [yes, it's a generalization, don't take me seriously.]) We sent letters, then called them at home/work and left messages, and then we sent out reminder postcards. The letters were translated to Tagalog. Who showed up? None of the parents. But there were a bunch of College grads and undergrads who were there to try to help out. Good thing I didn't invite parent volunteers.

Last month, I attended a Filipino American Youth Health Conference for families. What parents came? I think the Exec. Director's immediate contacts. Good for them. But no one else. There were more volunteers from agencies there to table than there were "families".

Obviously, a tenet of community organizing is establishing a needs assessment - thereby finding a need that is community defined. I haven't done so yet, but if I were to do one, I assume Financial Planning (for the parents), Real Estate tips (for the parents), and umm, that's it. College is inevitable for ALL Filipino kids because you know, it's the only thing that's important in a Filipino household, at least for the kids. How many friends of ours (and ourselves) did a bunch of rebellion on the under that our/their parents never saw because we/the other kids were honor roll kids? "My kid in a gang? No way. He gets straight A's!" Uh, yeah.

My friend used to share this story to other mental health professionals: she had a cousin who was schizophrenic to the point of a 5150 (need for hospitalization). His mother's solution? Praying. It was a moral condition. You know, just like "deviant" sexuality and failing grades (due to the lazy condition). Of course, my sarcasm isn't meant to denounce prayer and faith, but damn, get help.

Don't want help? Why? Shame. Mga-hiya.. shyness. Debt. Asking for help is shameful. Asking for help is a debt. What kind of parent can't control their kids? (especially when they use the Filipino way of control and discipline: guilt, low self-esteem, bad self-image, low feelings of appreciation. I turned out well. Yes. I was scared enough to stick true to what they were saying. But at times I look back and think why the hell did we get fights over me not doing the "extra" problem in my math homework just to make sure i knew it? Why did getting B's cause stress.. and C's cause silent crisis? [yes, a bit exagerated - but you know, when you're a kid..] Plus, growing up as any adolscent with image issues, general self-esteem issues, etc.. it didn't help. But I really think some of that shit we went through could've been dealt with much better. No stupid LETTER should ever give a person such pain. NEVER. I know my parents broke the mold better than the generalizations I am glorifying. I'm not complaining about them.

Anyway, the cultural gap between Filipinos and the human service field is an issue and frustrating. But what I have been more frustrated with these past months were my interactions with Filipino human service professionals. Very segmented - very insincere support. One E.D. took over 2 weeks or more just to review my project proposal that really only had 3 pages of details at most. What made it worse? She's an MSW also. AND it's my OLD WORKPLACE (thought she's new and never worked with me.) So, I get screwed on three levels. The Filipino thing. I'm fine with that. The work thing, that's understandable too. But the fact that she's an MSW who's been through the same type of experience as I am going through and she still saw no urgency in my numerous calls (and somewhat badgering by me and friends at work.)

Anyway, I am just venting. I am disillusioned. I've thought of completing cutting off the "community" from any of my future endeavors, but I know I'll find a way not to do that because in my heart I wouldn't want to. And this is much more than just complaining about people - specific individuals - or specially identified foes - but it's more of a reflection on the sad state of what so many families continually grow through. SHit.

Rule 1: Feel stupid.
Rule 2: Feel helpless.
Rule 3: Feel ugly.
Rule 4: Feel sexless hence feel inhumanly.
Rule 5: Feel guilt whenever any of these rules are not obeyed or agreed with.

Woohoo. Now, let's go eat some lumpia and do a dance.