The unexpected gust of contentment

I still wonder to myself
where I'll be in a week or a month
or two from now.

I mean, after the break
and the party,
and the exhale of this journey.

Where are the dreams I carried
in my back pocket
as I typed that statement of
personality?
Where is that me-against-the-system
bravado I shined
through the ice called
an application?

Lost in the shuffle
and interned moments of exploration
never so satisfying but of learning
nonetheless -
are the goals unrefined and defined
only by defeatism.
I gotta admit,
Arnold and George have done a great job
of killing my spirit.

Yet - I know there is method
within this flurry of chaos and
deception.
I know that I want great things -
and not only want them to exist,
but know they will create upon
the efforts of my calloused fingertips.
The papers, the citations, and the title pages,
all of them,
are fusing together into my arsenal
because I am ready for this great fight
no matter how disillusioned I've
let them
let me
become.

It's almost time.
- 04.11.05

So anyway.. I've been really ambivalent towards graduation and this whole grad school thing the past year. At times I've been excited for the end (for the sake of the end) and other times i've been, well, ambivalent. At times I really didn't care to take part in graduation because it's "just a ceremony". I'm not too cool for a ceremony, but you know.. it's just a ceremony. But then, I do want to walk with my classmates - complete this circle that we have journeyed together. But still, that was it.. and also to allow my family to enjoy the moment with me.

Today, I picked up my cap and gown. I just did it because i had to and I didn't want to, you know, pay too much for being late. But it was strange. When I told the service person my info and she went back to get it, I was thinking, "wow, I'm getting it" but it was still pretty low key. But somewhere between walking to the cash register and walking out of the bookstore I began to smile unexpectedly and uncontrollably. I'm like, "damn, I'm actually here [except for the upcoming midterm and completion of my project]." I have a hood. I have a FRICKIN' HOOD! It was a special moment that I had no idea at all that would happen.

I told my friend that I don't remember feeling this way after my 4 year thing. It was nice and exciting, but it was different. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because finishing that four year thing was always an expectation - it wasn't an if, it was just a when. I LOVED my life at Davis, I had so much damn fun (as evidenced by the fatty fat fat I put on). Maybe this time, because it wasn't an expectation.. it wasn't an inevitable stop on the road. Maybe because I chose to do this and it's my "job", a livelihood, a passion, a chosen path. Maybe because of the intensity - not so much with the expected work (because I felt they took it easy on us) but because this has been the eat-sleep-shit of my life - and is supposed to be. Maybe it's that I've learned that this thing I've done (for the past 4 1/2 years) is much harder than I realized and fortunately enough I am pretty good at it, for the most part (relative to where I am in terms of professional development). Maybe it's just a landmark like any, but since this has taken so much of my time that it feels more important (even if it may or not be.) I dunno.

I talked to my classmates before class and asked them if they had picked up their gear. One said that he was overcome with emotion as he almost teared before leaving the bookstore. The other said that she sat on the couch in front of her tv just wearing the hood and cap - just cuz she could.

I haven't decided what I'll do with it yet (other than graduation). I have so much work to do. I guess it just hit me today that I'm really close to accomplishing something big no matter how nonchalant my attitude toward it was. Wow.